Routines & Habits

“Who Am I?” (v15,493) – How To Regain Momentum In 3 Mins

If you’re anything like me, you might like to just get straight to the “how to” part.


So here it is.


I’ll explain the backstory afterwards.

Regaining Momentum

As an experiment, I’ve tried this exercise recently with people feeling stuck in different situations: intense negotiations, family troubles, stepping down from their business and assessing job opportunities.


They found it useful. I hope you do too.



Do What Matters Exercise [3 mins]

  1. Open up a new note on your phone.

  2. Title it Daily Practice.

  3. Write in a sub header: Do What Matters

  4. Then allow yourself only 30 seconds to write your responses to each of the 6 questions below in the note you just created.

[NB: I say 30 secs for 2 reasons – firstly to stop perfectionism taking over, secondly to get you up and running as quickly as possible. You don’t need perfect answers here. If you don’t know an answer just write something down. Something is infinitely better than nothing. In my experience, you’ll have a very good gut sense of what matters to you. You can always refine it later.]

Questions (copy these directly into your note)

  1. What are your values?

  2. Who is important to you?
    It can be specific people or groups of people. An important note: I find people often don’t include themselves. This is an exercise in self awareness. Without you, there are no other relationships. So please make sure your name is on the list.

  3. What is important to you?
    This can be broad or specific. They might be goals or more generalised concepts. Up to you.

  4. What is your purpose?
    If you don’t have one, take a guess.

  5. What would you willingly do for free?

  6. What energises you?

Then check this note ideally every day or, if not, then at least whenever you’re feeling stuck.

Add to it and edit it as you see fit. Then use it to guide your decisions and actions.


That’s it.


[If you choose to give this a crack, please let me know how you go in the comments or contact me directly.]



I’ve found that connecting to importance is a pathway to regaining a sense of momentum. Sometimes that’s all that’s needed. Other times acceptance and mindfulness are a required part of the process too.


Bringing some definition to who I am and then reconnecting with it helps me create an internal locus of control and helps me distinguish between my reaction to the situation (which I can’t control) and my response (which I can).

The Backstory

When I resigned recently, I was trying to decide what to do next. I had identified so strongly with my role in my business that when that was removed, I felt I’d lost a part of my identity. I felt stuck.


“Who am I?”
wasn’t a question I could easily answer.


When I did begin to think about it, there was a risk of my response becoming a philosophical swamp.


I opted for extreme utility instead.

Decoupling

I drew this sketch one day and it helped me to think about the situation.

Obviously, the circle in the middle represents who I am.


The radiating lines represent, at a macro level, the expression of who I am into the relationships I have in the world as a husband, father, friend, coach, founder, colleague and into various areas of my life – work, spirituality, health, fitness, social, leisure etc.


At a micro level, a line might represent the expression of who I am into very specific situations like a difficult conversation or my choice to do my work outs at home rather than going to a gym.


(I realised through COVID that the opportunity to train at home was in service of role modelling exercise for my daughters. This has been the single most important factor that has helped me stick to my strength and mobility program.)


Seeing things in this way allows me to decouple who I am from what I do.


It also allows me to choose how I engage in these various activities.

Definition

Once the decoupling became apparent, the next step was to bring some definition to answering “Who am I?”. (Some would say there is no “I”, but that’s for another conversation.)


There are a myriad of ways to do that and I’ve tried a bunch.


Values finders, strengths finders, psychometric profiling, vision building tools etc. I’ve always enjoyed these kinds of rabbit holes. Some reports really resonated. But more often, they have ended up buried as attachments in my email, never to be seen again.


The other challenge with these exercises is that they can take a long time. The time investment becomes a barrier to getting started and a barrier to putting the insights into practice. And to me, that’s where all the value is created.


So 8 weeks ago, rather than starting from a blank page, I opted to grab what I had – my values and a vision statement that I’d done in past exercises. I hadn’t created the Do What Matters exercise at that point.


I added them to a note to reflect on each day before I started work.

Editable

I found myself editing that note most days or simply highlighting parts that didn’t sit well or I felt needed updating. I also added some things like purpose and behavioural principles.


By having it editable, I’d stumbled across an empowering insight: I have the chance to change it every day if I choose; to make it more of who I am; to remove parts that no longer fit.

What my note currently looks like

This is different to how your note will have turned out. I didn’t have that exercise structure when I started this.

It absolutely captures the essence of my responses to those questions though. They’ve just been captured and rewritten in a different format.

Feel free to copy this too if you’d prefer to use this as a starting point. I’ll leave up to you.

Daily Practice

Version 15,493 [NB: I’ll explain this next]

Do What Matters

Purpose

  • To build a better world by helping people bring all of who they are to everything they do.

Values

  • Love ❤️
  • Gratitude 🙏
  • Humility 🌱
  • Exploration 🌌
  • Contribution 🌅

Vision

I earn respect by being deeply connected to my family, friends, work and life; by exploring ways to bring all of me to everything I do and helping others do the same.

People say that I am humble and a voracious learner; that I integrate all parts of life; that I’ve connected them with fascinating people and had a tonne of fun together.

I build trust by doing what matters; acknowledging when I’m wrong; listening and asking questions first; sharing my stories; living my strengths and walking my talk.

The highest standards I uphold are characterised by focus, patience, reflection and action.

My legacy will be that I loved deeply and was loved in return; that I impacted the lives of my family, friends and millions globally; that I made the world a better place; that I had an impact on the grand challenges of our time; that I contributed far more to humanity’s pool than I took away.

Behavioural Principles

  • Committed action I am all in. I bring all of me to everything I do. It’s hell yeah or not at all. Pressure, stress, fear, vulnerability are the price of entry.

  • Ideas are free, strategy + execution is everything. I pause and consider then execute fast to test and learn.

  • Do what matters I manage priorities not time. Importance is my compass, as is fear. Time is non-renewable.

Version 15,493

A few weeks after I’d resigned, a friend asked me: “How’s Toby 2.0 going?”.


It was the editability of the note that made me think that this wasn’t really version Toby 2.0.


How many versions had there actually been?


I realised that this note was an imperfect but workable definition of who I am today. And that there have been thousands of versions prior and hopefully many more to come.


I really like the idea of being an architect of who I am, so I found a calculator (link below) that would tell me how many days I’ve been alive.


Turns out it’s 15,493.


If versioning happens daily, and assuming I make it, then tomorrow I’ll be at version 15,494.


I realised that the work of being myself is never done, it doesn’t have to be perfect and I can always update it tomorrow as I reflect and learn.


Until death that is.


I find that liberating.



Associated Links

Calculator

Other posts about transition

[Podcast] The Power of Decoupling Identity, Building An Internal Compass, Waking Up At 3am, Filling The Void, My Daily Practice

Jack Ferguson (entrepreneur, host of The Push business podcast) and I caught up recently.

It became clear very quickly that we were in similar situations. Having both gone through big challenges and change in our businesses, and neither of us really knowing what the next step is, it seemed like a good idea to explore this on Jack’s podcast.

In this episode we speak about:

  • How and why I’m working at decoupling my identity
  • What was waking me up in the middle of the night.
  • What recently happened to Jack that has him in a tailspin.
  • Choosing to hit publish on vulnerable content.
  • Becoming more of who I am.
  • Trying not to mentally fast forward through crappy times.
  • How to do the work of defining values to use them to navigate uncertainty.

It’s cool to be able to share this kind of thing publicly, so thanks to Jack for initiating it. You can find him on LinkedIn.

Trailer

Listen on

Stitcher: https://lnkd.in/gwdiQ_8

Apple Podcasts: https://lnkd.in/g4d4Fww

Spotify: https://lnkd.in/gUVRW2x

Google Podcasts: https://lnkd.in/gVA7Rzy

 

Show Notes

Conversation Time Stamps

3:00 What business are you currently involved in?

5:25 Why have you done decoupling work?

8:45 Why were you getting up at 3am?

19:00 Why cutting away is usually superior to addition.

21:25 What impacts achievement more? Personal attributes or one’s environment?

28:00 Why did you decide to post vulnerable content recently?

34:20 What questions do you ask to understand who you are?

39:00 Strategy vs Execution.

42:20 How long did you feel content after the olympics?

45:20 How did you manage identity changes when moving between careers?

50:00 What are your experiences of going all in?

Reference Links and Resources

Values Based Decision Making

“Out of Vision (or Purpose), Core Values and Big Hairy Audacious Goals, the most important to great, enduring organizations are its ​Core Values…​ Executives spend too much time drafting, wordsmithing, and redrafting vision statements, mission statements, values statements, purpose, statements, aspiration statements, and so on. ​ They spend nowhere near enough time trying to align organizations with the values and visions already in place.”

Jim Collins (bestselling author of Good to Great)

Jim Collins is right.

Despite the fact that organisational values are virtually ubiquitous, we don’t see a corollary explosion in great businesses. From public values failures (like the banking sector here in Australia) to private conversations, implementation of values desperately needs a new approach.

The Current Gap:

With that as context and assuming an organisation has defined its own values, the opportunity sits with understanding how an individual’s values specifically overlap with the organisation values.

How do we build a shared mental model of values that can drive decision making and actions of a whole team of individuals with their own value sets?

And how can we do that if individuals don’t even know their own values?

Values Based Decision Making needs to be an approach that can be both top-down (awareness and development of organisational values) and bottom-up (awareness and development of individuals’ values).


Why now?

  • According to World Health Organisation, we spend 1/3 of our waking lives working.
  • According to Gallup, 87% of employees are not engaged in their work. And engagement is crucial to high performing teams. (from the outcomes above)
  • In a world where speed, interdependence and uncertainty are the norm, values need to be considered in every decision and reinforced with action. And they need to be able to match the speed of change.
  • There is no shortage of values failures. We all have values already. Some people are aware of them, others aren’t and most don’t know how to put them into practice. (Think back – Enron had values too.) It is not enough just to have values, they must be put into action.
  • The Paradox of Choice means there have never been so many choices available and adding values to filter decision making helps to distinguish signal from noise.
  • The adoption of Agile across all types of teams and organisations requires distributed and devolved decision making. Values need to contribute a framework to the quality and consistency of those decisions.
  • Data has transformed the way we make decisions. Values bring a human and ethical layer to ensure the data isn’t followed blindly. (A really interesting take on this in the tech sphere: Working Ethically At Speed.)
  • The pursuit of goals on their own without appreciation and connection is a recipe for suffering.
  • With so many external comparison points, we need an internal anchor or definition of success. Values help us create an internal locus of control.

A quick recap: What are Values?

Values are not just words, values are a way of being. They are the person, team or organisation we are when we are being our best.

For instance, as individuals there is a huge difference between:

  • getting married vs being loving every day.
  • running a marathon vs living a healthy life.
  • graduating with a PHD or an MBA vs a lifelong pursuit of learning.

The fun part is when you combine both – you get married and you’re in a loving relationship, it’s running a marathon and maintaining a healthy lifestyle, it’s graduating with a PHD because you love learning.


What is Values Based Decision Making?

We are wired NOT to like doing hard things. Our brains don’t like adversity, challenge, conflict. We don’t like pain.

A brief analogy:

If I was to cover the floor in broken glass and asked you to walk across it bare footed, you’d most likely think I was mad.

If I was then to say that if you walk across the glass, I have the power to make all of your and your loved ones’ dreams come true and remove all suffering from the rest of your lives… Well, typically the response is different.

What that shows is that we are terrible at suffering meaningless pain. BUT, if we feel the pain is in the service of what is most important to us, then we will not just endure, but embrace great hardship.

Values Based Decision Making works to answer 4 questions:

  1. What are the values you hold and aspire to live up to?
  2. Who is most important to you?
  3. What is most important to you?
  4. What you do when you are at your best?

By defining, then organising those answers, we can make decisions and drive action in the service of values and what holds the most meaning for us.



What Values Based Decision Making is not:

  1. It is not an answer. It’s an iterative process and, frankly, the work is never done. It starts with self-awareness at an individual level (and shared awareness for teams) and then migrates to action. And action is everything.
  2. It is not about adding anything new. Values Based Decision Making is about minimum effective dose. Remove the unimportant and reconnect with what is most important.
  3. It isn’t necessarily going to make life easier. In fact, life and decisions may become more difficult once you articulate your values. Living up to your values will present new challenges – mentally, emotionally and behaviourally – every day. But using your values to guide your decisions will make life so much more purposeful and meaningful, however you define that for yourself.

The Process of Values Based Decision Making:

Once Values are understood conceptually, here are two approaches – one for individuals and one for teams.

For individuals:

  1. Build self-awareness:
    • What are your values?
    • Who is most important to you?
    • What is most important to you?
    • What do you do when you are at your best?
  2. Make sure that your current goals are in the service of your values.
  3. Build an action plan to bring your values to life through habits and routines.
  4. Put your values into practice.
  5. Accelerate the development of values and practices through a coaching process.

For teams and organisations:

  1. Build self-awareness for the individuals within the team (as above).
  2. Build a shared vision and shared awareness for the team or organisation as a whole.
  3. Foster a culture of psychological safety (Google’s #1 indicator of team effectiveness).
  4. Create a framework of expected team behaviours to help translate values into actions.
  5. Build and certify the capacity of leaders and key people within an organisation to continue to coach existing and new team members.
  6. Embed values and bring them to life throughout the organisation from job ads and performance management to product design, communication rhythms and marketing.

If you, your team or your organisation is struggling to define values or to translate them into decision making and action at scale, or if you are working to innovate in those areas, I would love to talk more with you about your approaches and attempts.

And thank you to Jonah, Alix, James, Phoebe, Lucy and Adam for helping to shape these ideas.